I don't know what to do...
So last night I had one of the biggest break downs ever. I couldn't stop crying but I didn't want to stop. I didn't know what to do. I almost called several people but didn't want them to have to deal with what I was going through. But I finally relized what happend. What has been happening for the past 2 or 3 months. It hasn't been everyone else that I've been upset with. It was me I was mad at. Mad that I couldn't do everything. Mad that I haven't been able to help. I know you guys keep telling me to just take care of myself. And I realized that the only way that I can help myself is by helping you guys. I can't change myself. I've tried. The only thing that makes me happy anymore is knowing that I am actually doing something. Something to help others. But realizing that my family needs me too. I can't do both. I can't be here and see you guys all the time. And that kills me. I don't know what to do to help you guys. The only thing that I really think helps is by me being with you. But if I'm there how can I help at home?
And I also realized that the worst thing for someone to say to me is I'm dissapointed in you. When I hear that my heart breaks. I can't do anything. I've also been getting it a lot. I get it at school, church, and now at home. I can't just get away from people being upset with me. Most of the things don't even matter. But when they told me that I just lost it. You think you wouldn't get it from Church. That that would be your safe haven. But it's not for me. I even when you can't feel happy at church you think your home would be the best place. But even that got destroyed. I can't feel completely happy anywhere. I put on a face. I don't want you guys to have to deal with anything besides getting through your own things.
I just need two of me. That would pretty much solve everything. But I know I can't... I wish I could... Why now...? It's been the best and worst year of my life. I've made some of my closest, best friends ever. But I've also had the hardest year with so many fights and backstabbing. I don't know what to do anymore. I tried but I just can't do anything anymore.
And I also realized that the worst thing for someone to say to me is I'm dissapointed in you. When I hear that my heart breaks. I can't do anything. I've also been getting it a lot. I get it at school, church, and now at home. I can't just get away from people being upset with me. Most of the things don't even matter. But when they told me that I just lost it. You think you wouldn't get it from Church. That that would be your safe haven. But it's not for me. I even when you can't feel happy at church you think your home would be the best place. But even that got destroyed. I can't feel completely happy anywhere. I put on a face. I don't want you guys to have to deal with anything besides getting through your own things.
I just need two of me. That would pretty much solve everything. But I know I can't... I wish I could... Why now...? It's been the best and worst year of my life. I've made some of my closest, best friends ever. But I've also had the hardest year with so many fights and backstabbing. I don't know what to do anymore. I tried but I just can't do anything anymore.
posted by Marisa of the Sea at
5:30 PM
1 Comments:
You're amazing on so many levels. I know this. Don't ever let anyone or anything make you think otherwise. No matter what.
That was quite fortune cookie-ish, but I meant every word.
You're trying and you care, and if that is not enough for somebody, they will NEVER get enough. You can't possibly provide more than you are right now. You should be appreciated so much, more than anything, for trying and caring. Wether all your tries are successful or not. mmhm.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home